Thursday, Feb. 10, 2005 - 10:20 p.m.
The Stone Orgasmatron
Some said it could never be done, but I'm going to attempt to link Joss Stone to ... the orgasmatron.But I've had 2.5 pints so beware any fuzzy logic...
There is a doctor in America (of course we all know that anything beginning, 'In America...' must be true) who found, doing a routine spine operation that there is an area in the lumbar region that can stimulate an orgasmic reaction. A program the other night followed three women who had experienced great difficulty achieving orgasm, so they went to see this doctor, who inserted some electronic probe into their lower spine so they could use a remote control dooberry to stimulate the lady-regions.
The lady who had had a hysterectomy unfortunately felt nothing. The lady whose husband had been very inattentive to her special place experienced several multiple orgasms, and was over the moon. The lady who had never had an orgasm, despite much masturbatory attempts, did not get anywhere more than a vague 'nice' sensation.
The last lady got in a very depressing tizzy, wound up in the thought that it was all her fault and there was something fundamentally wrong with the way she was wired up. It was very sad to watch, because you could see that the more she wound herself up, the less likely she was to ever get anywhere. I became more and more convinced about the strong psychological link to female orgasm - if you're not relaxed about it, you're not going to get anywhere.
So, Joss Stone. naive white 17 year old (still) from Devon, won best 'urban' act at the Brits yesterday. 'Devon' has never been used in the same sentence as 'urban' before, apart from maybe to say 'oooh, don't leave Devon dear, you don't want to go to none of those urban areas'. If you heard her sing without knowing anything about her, you might think, oh is that a young, black soul singer?
You would obv be wrong.
Having seen her on telly, I can conclude that Joss St0ne is very much a 17 year old. Very much less worldly-wise than I was at 17, and I wasn't a music star. She is very white and English - apologetic and amazed by everything as if it's all brand new. She also looks like she's going through that being 17 and not washing thing.
So, compare the girl who happens to sound a bit black to, say, Nina Simone. May be an unfair comparison but, you believe Nina had met Mr Bojangles! You know she's at the bottom of the heap when she sings she's got life!
What does Stone know? NOTHING! She doesn't even pretend to know anything - so how can she give soul music soul?
And here I bring together my two points:
the orgasmatron - sure it does a physical job but for some people it's evidently not enough and to really get there and really enjoy sex, you need to kick back and have some soul. You can't fake your way there.
the Stone - just no soul. She is the orgasmatron. I'm sure she works for someone somewhere - but she ain't going to do anything for me without any soul.