Monday, Jan. 31, 2005 - 7:48 p.m.
Are friends gaseous?
Ah brilliant, the best dinners are the ones where you think you haven't got anything in your cupboard but you've only got 35p in your purse so you absolutely have to make dinner from your scraps. Admittedly I'd forgotten I had any fresh vegetables in so they were a bonus but my dinner of:garlic, ginger, onion, carrot, spring greens, green lentils, chopped tinned tomatoes and couscous
was a veritable triumph.
Hurrah!
Also I couldn't be bothered to go to the supermarket and buy anything on credit.
So I found myself on a very busy rush hour tube home today, very very busy. I normally somehow miss such terrible conditions but today I found myself wedged in a very personal situation against a girl who had earlier accidentally (I hope) grazed my hand with her fingernail. Apologetic glances. Trying to avert my gaze from her breasts and curtail a potential gangrene situation in my arm, I turned around to press my back into a man twice my height with a Burberry bag (eek, although somehow not chavvy) and quite a nice suit on.
Decent enough chap to be in close quarters to, under the circumstances (ones I don't wish to repeat) ... until he let one off.
Bear in mind he was twice my height so I was worryingly close to his anal sphincter and the Burberry bag did NOTHING to impede the gaseous poo's trajectory to my nasal passages.
Caught, I had to run through an emergency one-handed routine of blocking and filtering my air supply, eventually resting on nose-behind-collar, made better by my collar being pre-perfumed.
Of course, when we had to exit the tube (everyone seems to get off at my stop - it's obv a dead groovy (commutery) place to live) it was a bit tricky to unravel myself from the bizarre pose I'd taken up and in doing so I caught the gaze of the girl behind me and I realised she'd also been holding her nose and the two of us just burst into laughter.
Ah, farts: stuff to bond over. Marvellous.
I hope this lentil dinner isn't going to do the same to me tomorrow.